 | | Fox returns to the GameCube, and he's back in the fucking air at last |
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Ya know, I try to complete most games before I review them. It's the only way to give a balanced, well thought-out opinion. So it's with some concern that I'm reviewing StarFox Assault the same day I got my hands on it. This game is
tiny.
You could easily finish StarFox Assault in one sitting. In fact, its addictive nature means you most likely will do. Addictive doesn't necessarily mean it's great either...heck, crack is addictive too.
Assault does have some great moments, don't get me wrong - beautiful segments that more than live up to the series - but it's also deeply flawed.
 | | That good old Arwing looks and handles as great as ever |
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In a move from previous titles, the story centres around a species called The Aparoids, an evil entity who assimilate all forms of life and technology into a collective mind. Quicker than you can say, "We are Borg", Fox is on the job, hunting the fuckers down and saving the world as per usual.
Once again he's joined by the old crew; bird-face Falco and cocktard Slippy, but this time sexy slut Krystal is along for the ride too, while senile git Peppy is relegated to hanging back and yelling orders from the old people's home.
These crew members pop up with "interesting" facts and hints throughout the missions, but their main purpose in the game is really just to get in trouble and provide some extra challenge as you struggle to save them from all too tempting death.
Paper Airplanes
 | | Space missions are fine, but the game needs more planet surface skimming |
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The last time we saw Fox McCloud, he was walking with dinosaurs in StarFox Adventures. Despite all the controversy surrounding that oddly platform shaped offering, I actually quite liked it. But make no mistake, that wasn't a StarFox game. Bashing plants with a stick and hopping around the forest isn't what StarFox is about. We play these games to hop in that Arwing, take to the skies and blow away bad guys. With that in mind, Assault feels much more like good old StarFox - something us long-time fans have been gagging for since the N64 title.
Let's cut to the chase; the on-the-rails Arwing sections in Assault are simply magnificent. The first mission has you battling an invading armada in a fantastic thrill-ride of a level that sets the game up for brilliance. While the controls have been needlessly rejiggled, it's great to be back up in that razor sharp starfighter, twin lasers on the go while you spin this way and that. I can't stress how much I worshipped the earlier StarFox offerings, and this was like stepping back in time in that regard.
What you soon realise though, as you progress ever so quickly through the ten meagre missions, is that this ship-based brilliance is regularly and annoyingly broken up by mediocre land-based action.
Down to Earth
Now these ground missions aren't exactly horrible - the Corneria city map is even pretty spectacular - but they're still pure filler. Fox handles stupidly fast and the combat is way too random to have any depth or tactical fun.
 | | Lame and needless on-foot action. It's Rebel Strike all over again |
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I have no problem with the idea of taking Fox out on foot, it's just in practice it never quite works. Now show me a ground game where Fox takes on hordes of Andross' minions in a slower, Resident Evil 4 style, and you'll sure as shit have my money. Here though, it's all a little whack, and sadly, takes up about half the game. It just can't quite find its own identity as a ground-based game, made even more evident by the shameless Halo rip-off towards the end.
The tank sections are slightly better, and I love how you can jump in and out of vehicles at will, GTA-style. I still just don't see why Namco and Nintendo have such a hard time cranking out a StarFox game made up entirely of 100% Arwing action though. There hasn't been one since the old Super NES original when you think about it (of which, need I say, Assault pales in comparison).
 | | The Landmaster from the N64 game makes a reappearance here |
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The ground stuff isn't
that bad, but it does feel more like work at times - tough slog you need to get through before you're rewarded with more space-based goodness. I also wish there'd been some more low-flying over planet surfaces, an aspect I loved in the prequels.
Without giving away too much, I will say this though; the final level of the game features some of the most refined and perfected StarFox action yet; a twisting, edge of the seat thrill-ride through claustrophobic tunnels and spectacular bosses. But is it too little too late? On top of that, just as you think the game's gonna end on a high note, with a somewhat edgy and darker twist than usual, it has officially the lamest little "P.S." that leaves a truly horrific taste in your mouth as those final credits roll.
As you battle your way through these missions, you unlock multiplayer maps which can then be played with up to four players at once. This multiplayer mode is actually quite cool...at first. It mixes all three forms of combat in a split-screen versus mode, and is a damn good laugh for the first half an hour or so.
Sadly it quickly becomes stagnant, and is far from the long-lasting end-game that this title so desperately needs.
Super FX
On a technical level, things are good. The graphics range from lovely to serviceable, although the flying sections tend to overshadow the ground portions by a long shot. It's the frame rate that truly impresses though, with liquid smooth performance at all times, regardless of the hundreds of enemies that swarm you at once.
That good old cheesy music and dialogue is thankfully present and correct, in that so-bad-it's-good kinda way, and does a lot to solidify the feel of this title as one set in the StarFox universe. I'd still take the old skool gibberish speech from the SNES version any day, but really there's little to fault on this side of things.
"Nintendo Raped My Childhood"
 | | If six hours of fun is worth ?30 of your money, by all means grab StarFox Assault |
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But all in all, this one's a bit of a downer, really. The missions fluctuate between brilliance and boredom way too much, and with no alternate routes or co-op play, there's little to draw you back after that miniscule six hour play through.
It's odd, many of the titles I was so looking
forward to this year are turning out to be somewhat disappointingly lame, while others that weren't anywhere close to being on my radar, such as
Oddworld,
Mercenaries and especially
Resi 4, have completely blown me away.
That's what you get for having high expectations I guess, and it's therefore with some sadness that I announce this title in particular will most likely be hitting eBay soon. StarFox Assault follows the GameCube's now infamous tradition of taking Nintendo's golden franchises and shoehorning them into odd new genres that don't always fit.
Oh, and Falco is still a cock.
