 | | Conker - Live & Reloaded is a heavily upgraded port of the old N64 classic |
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As someone who never played the original N64 version, Conker is a brand new experience for me. Originally released back in 2001 when the N64 was way past its sell by date, the game died an early death as punters were more interested in the new systems of the time. A shame really, as there's enough character and imagination in Conker to shame 20 of the PS2's finest.
Four years on, Conker has now been revamped and re-released on the Xbox. For gamers, it's a chance to familiarise themselves with a classic title they might have missed first time around, and for developers Rare, it's a chance to make good on the phat bank they deserved back in the day.
But what is Conker? That's a tricky question to answer. Ultimately it's a platform game, but don't let that put you off. Cute and cuddly on the outside it may be, but think more Southpark than Toy Story. The game is littered with vulgarity and expletives from beginning to end, in a way not really seen since...well, since it was originally released.
But it's more than a fuck-filled platformer, Conker is a title where no two levels are the same. One minute you might be hopping around a war-zone with a machine gun, the next you'll be riding on a dinosaur or flying around as a bat. It's all completely barmy, inspired stuff that plays by nothing but its own rules, and even then is never afraid to break 'em.
"There You Are...Ya Ginger Bastard"
 | | The look of Conker is incredible. His fluffy fur stands out in particular |
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You play the titular character of Conker, a cutesy, alcoholic red squirrel. One night after hitting the pub and getting slaughtered with the guys, you find yourself a little lost on the way home. Drunk and possibly hallucinating, you're subsequently accosted by killer bees, Nazi teddybears, and evil poo monsters, all blocking the path between you and your hot piece of arse girlfriend Berri.
And that's pretty much it. The twists and turns awaiting Conker along this rocky path are way too glorious to spoil by web site, but rest assured, Conker's journey is unlike any you've ever seen before.
Graphically, you'd never, ever know this was a port of an N64 game. To be frank, this is the prettiest game available on the system - so much so that only the very best of the Xbox library - namely Chaos Theory and Halo 2 - come anywhere vaguely close to approaching its visual sheen. Not only does Conker look like a Pixar movie come to life, but it's also good enough to pass for early next-gen stuff that we'll be seeing on the X360 in 4 or 5 months. It really is that stunning, and shames even many PC offerings...trust me when I say these screens don't vaguely approach doing it justice.
 | | The Almighty Poo in all his glory. Kill him by lobbing bog roll into his mouth |
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Sound wise, it similarly shines. The music is neither here nor there, but the voice acting is wondrous. Accents range from American to Scouser and then some, with each and every one hitting the mark for maximum comic impact. For instance Conker himself sounds like the unholy bastard homo-offspring of Gollum and Southpark's Jimmy the cripple.
Swearing is bleeped, but then again hearing the enormous poo monster sing, "I am the almighty poo, I'm gonna throw my shit at you" somehow feels funnier when bleeped.
Conker is a very poo-filled game in fact, with a significant portion of the playing area encompassing faeces in some way. You'll swim in it, roll up poo balls and as a nice urine-esque bonus, even piss on the odd enemy. With golden showers and turd monsters at every turn, the more conservative gamer might find this a little irksome...especially amidst lines like, "How about some scat you little twat?".
For the rest of us though, it's worth mentioning that on completing the single player game, you can unlock an uncensored version....albeit of the multiplayer mode only.
"Now to Sort Out the Ransom...err...Rescue the Little Girl..."
 | | Conker's multiplayer game isn't a failure by any means, but there's better |
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And how about that multiplayer game? It's a
little underwhelming, truth be told, if only due to the fact I expected so much more from it.
It's ultimately a team-based shooter, one that can be played either online, split screen, or with single player bots, and it's certainly extensive if nothing else. The design rivals the likes of Enemy Territory in its choice of maps, objectives and classes, but at the end of the day, it's just never as much fun to play.
If this multiplayer portion hadn't been hyped to the heavens as a whole other "game within a game", I'd have been pleasantly surprised with it. It's bloody epic for what is essentially a bonus mode, but for me the single player game is the true reason to pick up Conker when all's said and done. This multiplayer portion is all a little too StarFox Assault for my liking.
"Is it the Testing Department's Day Off Or Something?"
That single player game does have a few niggling problems of its own worth mentioning. Personally, I found it tough. Platformers aren't my bread and butter by any means, but lordy did this game kick my arse.
I was particularly frustrated during the lava-skiing sub-level about half-way through, and came dangerously close to calling it quits then and there, until some perseverance paid off.
 | | The spruced up Van Helsing section is hardly cutting edge satire |
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Secondly, there's the linearity of the whole thing. That wouldn't bother me if the game didn't attempt to disguise it by giving you this (seemingly) massive game world to explore. There's hills, valleys, lakes, caverns and so on, but unfortunately pathways are constantly blocked off with locked doors and invisible walls while it waits for you to tackle the various levels in the correct order. More than anything this just resulted in me getting constantly lost and unable to figure out where to head next.
Finally there's the movie spoofs. I fuckin' loved 'em all, and fault the game for simply not providing more. You'll blast your way through The Matrix lobby, storm the beaches of Saving Private Ryan, and even face off against the final boss onboard the Death Star. These are some of the greatest parts of the campaign, and given this Rare opportunity to recreate the game for a new generation, some additions wouldn't have gone amiss. A Lord of the Rings spoof, a Jar Jar piss take, etc.
Any extra work seems to have gone into the multiplayer portion though, so other than a slightly lame Van Helsing add-on, there's nothing of the sort to be seen sadly.
"Now That's What I Call a Bowel Movement"
Either way, it's all good. Conker is an immensely entertaining action game that doubles up as hilariously funny to boot. Although steeped in American pop culture, it's unquestionably underpinned by a British sense of humour rarely seen in video gaming. I dug the shit out of this title, from the veritable feast of the visuals, to the imaginative use of urine, and recommend it to any and everyone game for a laugh.
If you dug Psychonauts, come on down and check out 2005's new platform champ.
(Pictures courtesy of
Rare)
