In just its first month, 2007's already held two minor disappointments thus far.
Lost Planet wasn't the monumental mind-blower many were expecting, and now the Wii's seen a bit of a dent in its armour by way of this peculiar beast. Before we get into all that though, a brief intro...
 | | Wario Ware's an insane mini-game compilation that puts the Wii through its more physical paces. This game for instance, involves "balancing" the Wii-mote in the palm of your hand with perfect precision. OR YOU DIE |
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If you ain't familiar with the Wario Ware series, here's the skinny. Mini-games. Lots of 'em. Not just any old mini-game collection though, Wario Ware's offerings are more akin to
micro-games you could say. We're talking literally split second reflex tests that are in and out in under five seconds. Such shenanigans may be as simple a case as bouncing a ball up and down on a tennis racket without letting it drop, or drinking a glass of water without spilling it. The idea is, a super-fast barrage of these random games bombard you one after another in quick succession, and it's up to you to stay on the ball, work your way through 'em, and score fatty points by not fuckin' up.
The games aren't all so conventional, either. Wario Ware often feels like an opportunity for Nintendo to indulge its most zany of sides you see, with some games involving tickling naked dudes in the armpits, or blowing-up love dolls to perform sit-ups. I'm serious.
I'm not the biggest, most ardent Wario Ware supporter around (in spite of such hotness), but had high hopes for this game regardless. The Wii-mote seems practically
built for these sorts of physically demanding and ludicrously insane stunts after all, and with the Wii little more than a mini-game player right now - with Wii Sports, Wii Play, Rayman and Monkey Ball all doing the whole mini-game compilation thing full force - it sounded like a match made in heaven. Some of those titles are better than others, but I'd hoped Nintendo themselves would be the ones to truly knock the genre outta the park here with Wario Ware. 'Tis not so simple, however...
Top Form
First the good. The micro-games themselves, prove fab. The great thing about the Wii-mote is its versatility. You can hold it up like a bat and swat flies, you can wield it like a gun and shoot tin-cans, and you can even place it by your side while you do the hula-hoop. You big girl.
 | | The old skool segment proves as riotous as ever. Even the sodding Game & Watch makes an appearance... |
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Wario Ware ain't afraid to dredge up every such possible use for the sucker in fact, all based around 19 specific and very different poses, or "forms". All blessed with their own title, these forms include the likes of "The Chauffeur", in which you extend the Wii-mote out in front like a steering wheel, "The Elephant", where you hold the Wii-mote to your nose like a trunk, and "The Janitor", where you clasp it between both hands like a cock. These individual poses are introduced to you slowly but surely as you devour your way through the ludicrous wealth of mini-games contained within, all courtesy of a hilarious, deep and bassy tutorial voiceover guy who is just about the funniest mother fucker to grace the planet with his presence. He is almost worth the price alone. Almost.
The concept of constantly switching poses and thus the uncertainty of just what the bloody heck this demented and sadistic game'll have you doing next is what makes WW such a riot to play though, from flapping your "wings" to make a birdman fly, to answering the Wii-mote like a phone when it rings. As hypothesised, the Wii does indeed seem custom built for the game in that regard, arguably in a way even the DS rendition couldn't quite match up to. That handheld take essentially just boiled down to scribbling every single time, yet here, possibilities prove endless.
I also have to fling some love at the old skool section in particular. In keeping with tradition, one batch of mini-games focuses solely on remixing vintage Nintendo titles from the golden days you see, so you'll be bumping coin boxes with Mario by flicking your hand up and down, then blazing around the skies of Corneria while shooting down polygons in Star Fox. With the Wii-mote. That's fucking brilliant. In fact, scrap all your current titles Nintendo, we want a full Wii-mote enabled Star Fox remake now, dicks.
Wand Wiggler
 | | Some are better than others, of course, with one or two flat-out not working |
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That's all a blast then. Unfortunately - even more so than its predecessors - WW's just over way too quickly though, pretty much beatable in a single damn sitting if you're willing. There's a fair bit of bonus stuff to unlock, including additional side games, multiplayer modes, and even some silly sound test apps, but even these are nab-able in but a few meagre hours if your shit don't stink, making Wario feel surprisingly skinny and lean on the lifespan tip. Considering its near-full whack price tag of £35 - which bare in mind is but a needle-dick less than what you'll pay for the 60 hour long Zelda on the very same system - I find that mildly unforgivable to be honest.
In addition, while a good 200 of these miniscule micro-games come packed in for you to enjoy, unfortunately a large part of Smooth Moves also involves simply sitting and watching. There's just way too much downtime for me, with not only the constant pauses between micro-games mildly annoying, but the seemingly never ending cut-scenes and cartoons constantly popping up between levels forever annoying the milk outta my titties. Solely there to bulk up the playtime and stretch the sucker out for as long as possible, they're all unfortunately arse I'm afraid. WW's ugly art and annoyingly cutesy storylines prove about as thrilling as a Jar Jar biopic.
All in all there's just way too much filler here, and not enough game to warrant those 35 sheets.
Mutual Baton Stroking
 | | ANIMAL CROSSING |
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Yeah, you've got multiplayer to help extend that life-span somewhat, but even this proves surprisingly lacking. It boasts an alarming 12 players which is fab in theory, but all the games are of the "take it in turns" variety, with zilch in the way of genuine, real-time multiplayer action. In fact, they're all the same exact games from the single player mode, you're just competing for points against each other now. It does prove pretty fuckin' funny, I must admit - thanks solely to the aforementioned ingenuity of the micro-games themselves - but multiplayer's still a mildly wasted opportunity considering what it could have been, and nothing to rival the likes of Wii Sports for hysterical multiplayer beer-fuelled action. And that was
free.
This stuff's all a bit of a downer really, 'cos when you're knee-deep in crazy mini-games - using that Wii-mote in ways god never intended - the game's a friggin' blast. The dance sequence in the latter half is quite possibly the best 30 seconds of fun I've had on my Wii in fact - I was laughing my arse off and blushing like a mad man the entire time. Only you, Nintendo.
It's probably my fave Wario Ware yet with that in mind, 'cos when it's good, it's
real fucking good. I just unfortunately can't recommend a full price game that you'll pretty much be finished with in - no lie - three hours. So my advice? Wait for Smooth Moves to show up in the second hand Wii racks and pounce on that mother fucker half-price instead.
No doubt that'll be pretty damn soon...
