So while I sat there watching my fresh copy of The Sims 2 install, I wasn't expecting a whole lot to be honest. I'd had a nice old chuckle with the first Sims game years back, but found no long lasting love with it once monotony eventually kicked in. Plus, seeing a new expansion pack in the shops every damn week ever since kinda ground any appreciation I once had for that game into one big sigh.
Never the less, I'd heard good things about Maxis' plans for the sequel, and IGN had some nice words to say about it in their video review too, so I decided to give it a whirl anyway. I thought I'd try something a little bit more interesting for the testing process though. Rather than simply take on the bundled characters and towns that came with the game, I decided to put the new character creation tool through its paces and build some toons of my own instead.
The character creation features of The Sims 2 are absolutely brilliant. The process is just a whole heap of fun in and of itself, and I spent nearly two hours fiddling around with the sucker before I even loaded up the main game.
Creating Sims is as easy as clicking on tabs and dragging sliders, yet the amount of customisation you get is so unparalleled that you can literally create any type of person you could possibly want. The one area where it starts to lack is when it comes to height and weight - you can model a beer gut but that's about it - so you won't be making any obese Rosie O'Donnell clones at this point. Could that be expansion pack #1 already decided then? The Sims Go Atkins.
Then again, that's really a cosmetic change that's more reflected by how your Sims live anyway, so if you want 'em fat, just force feed 'em hotdogs every hour.
As the ultimate test I figured I'd have a go at creating a Sim of myself though, and sure enough, I had a pretty damn solid digital representation of little old me just 30 minutes later...albeit not quite as dashingly handsome and toned (hah!). The beer gut was nigh on perfect though.
Building Sims is strangely addictive, so I went on to create a bunch more after that...including my best mate Tom. Then it struck me; what better way to put this game (and indeed our friendship) to the test, than to have our digital doubles move in together...
Friendly Faces Everywhere
 | | This is the one time Tom actually beat me at a video game |
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Just like that, me and Tom have fled the busy city of London in favour of the peaceful hick town of "South Park II", and are now busy settling into our new two bedroom bachelor pad. We have little more than a fridge, a TV, and a games console, but what more could two young alcoholics need?
In The Sims 2 you can give your Sims aspirations and personalities. Tom, for instance, is a party animal, out to have fun, make noise, and drink himself to sleep every night. My guy however, prefers the quiet life, and wants nothing more than to find a girl, settle down, and make babies. I smell a sitcom brewing!
Unrequited Love
The Sims franchise has always been fairly liberal, exactly how a sandbox game like this should be. So much so in fact, that while watching my virtual alter-ego chatting to my virtual best friend on the computer screen before me (a surreal experience to say the least), I start to notice some rather bizarre behaviour from digital Diggler; in my sad and desperate search for true love, almost immediately I'm trying to
kiss him. It appears that search for true love doesn't necessitate women.
 | | A new take on the term "Ass Face" |
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Tom, however much of a party animal he is, doesn't wanna party with
me though, and shuns me in favour of the TV. Art soon begins imitating life from here on out, with me cooking all the meals and doing all the washing up while he spends all day playing video games and leaving massive wookie sized dumps in the toilet. I don't even need to play The Sims to see all this, I can just invite him over.
Soon enough, and believe me when I tell you that if you knew him in real life you'd understand how perfect this is, Tom gets his first job...dressing up in a big donkey suit for money.
Before I know it, I too have a job as well, this time working in a hospital. Eerily enough, this is exactly what I do in the real world. Damn, I've only been playing for 10 minutes and already this game's freaking me out with its pin sharp precision. Except that whole gay thing.
I'm in the middle of making some lunch when my lift to work arrives. Just like that I'm out the front door - can't be late for my first day after all - but sadly I've left the oven on. Within minutes the whole kitchen is on fire, leaving a blabberingly flustered Tom fumbling about with a fire extinguisher to much hilarity. That's what you get for resisting my charms bitch, I'll burn you to hell.
Enter The Thompsons
 | | Don't look at me, I don't know what to say to her |
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Never the less, I decide that what my Sim needs at this point is a good old fashioned woman's touch to set him straight (literally), and with that in mind, I create the Thompson family to move in across the street.
The Thompsons are a family of three. Bob and Linda have been married for 30 years; she is quiet and miserable, and he is ex-army, wears a green beret around the house, and is about as strict as they come.
The important person here though is their young adult daughter Kelly, an aspiring "romantic" (The Sims word for "slut"), who's father's vice like grip has done nothing but mold her into a wild rebel over the years, insistent on acting out at every opportunity since child hood. This little minx should stir things up around the neighbourhood.
And it's at that moment that I decide to set a goal for myself. My mission from here on in is to get my Sim to bed this temptress...before Tom does. That's what's pretty damn swell about The Sims 2; you have this compelling mini universe at your fingertips, and are free to create your own goals and aims as you see fit.
 | | So that's how it is in their family |
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Now the bad news. When creating The Thompsons, I accidentally neglected to turn on the family ties between the various family members. What does this mean? Quite simply, the game thinks they are merely room mates and not blood relatives...
...and sure enough, before too long, Kelly is trying to fuck her dad.
Back at home, Tom has already been fired from his job, and thus retired to his bedroom in deep depression. I guess dressing up and acting like a retarded donkey is harder than it looks...which is odd considering how easy he does it in real life.
I've also returned back from my first day at the hospital, ironically enough, with food poisoning. That hospital sounds almost as good as the one I work at in real life.
Simulated Up Chucking
I'm assured by the helpful little pop-up tips that if my Sim rests in bed for a while the food poisoning will eventually wear off, nursing him back to health. It seems The Sims God wishes to use my sickness to his twisted advantage though, as a gorgeous blond by the name of Mandy is now ringing our door bell, forcing me back on my feet. As my green faced digital double stumbles over to the door, it appears rest is not on the cards for him after all.
She's here to welcome us to the neighbourhood, and as luck would have it, seems to hit it off with my Sim instantly. This is more like it! Forget that inbred prick tease Kelly, this'll be my new conquest right here.
We're chatting along like old friends, sharing jokes and stories as you do, when all of a sudden the shakes kick in and I'm clutching my stomach in agony like a stabbing victim. Food poison coursing its way through my veins, virtual Diggler legs it into the bathroom and starts chucking up all over the place. Mandy isn't too impressed.
A few moments later I return from the bathroom, wiping the vomit from my mouth, and what do I see? Not only is Tom out of bed, but his inner party animal is now out in full force too, with the radio blasting out techno at full volume down the street.
 | | The Emperor happened to be filling in for Death that day |
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Much to the heartbreak of my Sim though, he's dancing with Mandy in plain site, and soon enough, they begin smootching. Needless to say, my Sim goes apeship with jelousy.
The question I dare not ask though, is which of them is he really jealous of?
In return for resisting my affections, and now stealing my poontang, from then on out I make it my new sole aim to never feed Tom. Let's see how much of a wild party animal he is when I'm starving him to death!
Sadly he, er, dies.
And just like that, I'm now all alone. There's a lesson there folks. I'm just not quite sure what it is.
But is it Any Good?
As sad as it is to see my luck with women brought to life so realistically in a computer game, The Sims 2 turned out to be a blast. Actually it's hard to call this a game, it's more like a grown up doll's house, a twisted social experiment, and a large dose of The Osbournes all put in a blender. Kind of like Big Brother, but without the pikies.
Once again I ponder how long it'll last before boredom kicks in with this thing, its novelty being its main draw right now, but one thing's for sure, I'm gonna be glued to it in the meantime. Now I can be rejected by women from the comfort of my own home.
